Not Afraid

In keeping with the word of the year, I am approaching life fearlessly. For me, this means being honest and true to myself. Often, I sacrifice my wants and needs for the sake of others. This is typical – it’s a human behavior. But I can’t live life afraid to say what needs to be said, when it needs to be said. The trick is to be diplomatic from the get-go…I’m still struggling with not allowing my initial reaction to be mean in response (defense mechanism) but to be able to be assertive, while tending to the other person’s emotions (as well).

Case in point. Jason.

From the beginning, he has always been different. Always. He felt it. I felt it. It’s scary. It’s new. And instead of trying to push and push and push (which is what I do, poking the bear is my specialty), I should have respected his request to put us on hold back when the shit first started hitting his fan. But I didn’t. Because of the FEAR. I was afraid of losing him. Of losing the possibility of him. Instead of trusting that if I just backed the hell off and allowed him to do what he needs to do, to get himself to where he needs to be, then eventually – when it is our time – we could both dedicate the right amount of time and energy to the “us” relationship.

Over the past few months, I sacrificed my happiness to force something to happen. Instead of allowing things to unfold naturally, I wanted everything to happen “now”. But there are so many things beyond my control that, no matter how  much I try to be in control, I – ultimately – cannot be. I can’t control his life. His healing. His path. Hell, I can’t even control mine. What makes me think I can control his?

Regardless, due to my insistence and pushing, I have – in the end – rewarded myself with the result I was avoiding. I have lost him.

Last night, instead of being defensive, I should have just let it go until I could focus my time and energy on appropriate responses. But I didn’t. What I need to tell him is the following:

I have always known you were different. From the moment we started to talking to the second I met you in person, the entire world disappeared and there was just you. Each time we were together, this happened. I have never been so immediately drawn to someone and I have never felt as safe with someone as I did you. When your life started taking turns that you couldn’t control, I should have respected you and trusted that we will pick things up when your life goes back to your version of normal. I allowed my fears to overwhelm me and cloud my true nature. For that, I am deeply sorry and I regret my mistakes. Instead of reverting to my MO of cutting someone out of my life, completely, I cannot do that with you. It doesn’t feel right. I will always care about you and worry (it’s my nature, you can’t change that) when you continue to hit brick walls. I can’t walk away and shut the door on you, for forever. All I can tell you is this: while you devote your time and attention to what requires your energy, I will be in the wings, quiet and steady. If you need anything – to vent, to talk and joke, to just breathe – I will never turn my back on you. You mean so much to me, I can’t put it in words. I meant it when I said it…I look forward to falling in love with you. Though, I think I already have.

And that, my friends, is me…living fearlessly.

Funny The Way It Is

When we were kids, Christmas was different. Butterflies built in our tummies as we counted the weeks…days…hours until Santa came. We’d stay glued to the television set, tracking Santa as he made his way around the globe…waiting in anticipation when he crossed the continents and states…running to bed when he was a state away. Sleep could barely contain us as we tried desperately to listen for the jingling of sleigh bells and the thud of a man sliding down the chimney. We’d stay locked in our rooms…fighting temptation to sneak a peek at the tree and the pile of presents that multiplied over night…until the appointed hour mom and dad assigned us as “safe” to wake them up. Wrapping paper and bows would fly like missiles as we tore under the camouflage to unveil everything on our Santa list.

Now, as an adult, I cling to those memories, trying to invoke a similar feeling…but it eludes me. I was able to resucitate it and nourished it while my son was young…but at almost 17, the thrill is dissipating. With more expensive tastes and needs, the pile under the tree lessens…the rush to open the gifts decreases…and the traditions barely linger.

I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle…but I refuse to give up. My family needs to put life back into itself…stat…before we fall completely apart.

Turning Tables

The year is coming to a close and as I reflect back, I see that life – my life, in particular – really has not changed. I have the same habits, the same fears…doubts…worries…trepidations…disabilities. I know that no one can change my reality except for me. The question is – why haven’t I done anything about it? What am I afraid of?

I originally started this post wanting to work out my word for the upcoming year. Adopting another person’s tradition in choosing a “hot” word for the year and maintaining focus on it for growth…and the words I was tossing around were margin, pure, brave and fearless. All things I know I need to work on – and yes, I know that brave and fearless are synonymous…but one cannot be brave without first being fearless.

I looked up meanings of each word…and continued to struggle…but the first words out of my mouth (fingers) solidified the word I need to use as my focus for the upcoming year. FEARLESS.

I must approach life fearlessly. I need to stop being ruled by fears and abandon them. Open my arms to the world that awaits. What have I missed in my life because I have been tethered to habits which have kept me in fear’s grasp? Living fearlessly – intentionally – is going to be a struggle. I like the security of my passivity…of my routine…but it is also what I loathe the most about my life.

I wonder what all I will achieve…?

Reflection

Last year, I made a list of “I Will” statements…not resolutions, but a list of things that I would accomplish in 2010. Reflecting back on the year, I am amazed that no matter how you word it (silly semantics), it is always difficult to accomplish something unless you have the true mindset to get it done. Instead of looking back on my list and getting upset about all that I did not do in full – I am proud of the habits I have established and the momentum I have gained. Here’s a recap…

In 2010, I will…

1. read the entire Bible – while this has not happened, I am happy with the fact that I am taking the time to actually read the Word on a daily basis. God doesn’t care if I complete the Bible plan in full, on time – all He cares about is the fact that I am willing to step away from the busy-ness and meet Him on a daily basis. I will continue to follow the reading plan (it’s chronological – now you know why I didn’t complete it in a year! You try reading the Old Testament with a clear head and try to fully understand the written word!) and hopefully, I will actually finish it this year.

2. be a better “light” – bwahahahahaha. Just when I think I’ve “got it!”, I get slapped upside the head with a very funky dream about one person, in particular, whom I am NOT being a Christian toward. Now, I know that God will plant other people in this person’s life to love them and what not, but I *could* be more Christian and less human. I can’t tell how well I’ve achieved this goal (aside from this one person) – it’s difficult to see the impact we’ve made on someone while we’re in their lives…not to mention, it isn’t something I should be bragging about. God will let me know when I’ve done well.

3. have a weekly “fun date” with Justin – due to finances, this got cut down to Pay Day Fun Day. It just made it easier, less stressful – which is the intent of the date night…or day. Sometimes, it was breakfast on the way in to school/work; other times, it was dinner at a sit-down restaurant. Regardless, the time I get to spend with Justin is what’s important. I love that at his age, he is open with me and we can have some serious talks…and some serious laughs I am SO deeply blessed to have him as a son. I know I am not supposed to have any more children – God did good with the one he gave me

4. reach my goal weight – bwahahahahahahaha! Another failed attempt at Weight Watchers. Not because the program doesn’t work, but because my heart and mind just weren’t in to it. I know that when I am ready, it will happen.

5. budget, track and save – while this didn’t happen as often as I wanted it too, we are in a decent place, financially. The loan modification helped a lot – but the eating out (see #4) hasn’t helped at all. My mind and heart are in to this little item, as I am going through all of last year’s bank statements and seeing how much I truly spent in each budget category. Based on those figures, I will create a real, workable budget…with the goal to save. Hello Hawaii this summer! (see #4 – motivation for my heart and mind!)

6. tithe with a happy heart – while I didn’t tithe on a regular basis, I did give when I could. And when I gave, I did so cheerfully. Now, I stopped tithing at Central when my heart was no longer happy with the church…and while I shopped for a new church home, I did not give. However, by the end of the year (October-ish), I found a new church home and to them, I give happily when I can.

7. be open, dive in, be free (love myself, be open to love) – I’m still working on the loving myself piece of this statement, but it is something I will always need to work on…I don’t know if I will ever be 100% happy with me, but I am at least loving me by creating boundaries and not accepting less than what I deserve. And for the first time in a very, very, very long time, I was open to love. I met someone that I never thought I would love, but I fell in love with him harder and deeper than I ever thought possible. I don’t believe in soul mates, but he is someone I thought I could be with for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, our timing has never meshed up…and right now, I need him to work on loving himself before he can love me in the way I deserve to be loved. I still believe our journey isn’t over – it’s just, right now, our paths are leading in different directions. While mine seems to be continuing, he seems to be stuck in the maze of life. I’ve tried lighting the way for him, I’ve prayed for God to break him, but as of tonight – his time has not come…yet. I love him – and I will love him for a very long time.

I think, for 2011, I am going to keep these same “I Will” statements. I have made progress in each area (even #4 – what with the ups and downs), and I don’t want to lose momentum. They are my goals for life, in general…and each year, I will make more progress on each of them – that is my resolution for 2011 and the years beyond.

When I Need a Laugh

I don’t blog often – there’s no ritual to it. I’ve realized that journaling, daily, only makes me feel extremely pressured. I feel like I have to come up with something witty, entertaining, life-altering on a daily basis when I apply parameters to my journaling. That’s not who I am…I write when I need to process…or when I want to post something for posterity’s sake…like tonight

On Friday, one of my students wrote me this lovely note in class. While I would love to post it in my room, like I do with student artwork, this needs to be framed because it just shows the kid’s voice…one day, I will get to say, “I knew him when he was 15.”

Dear Ms….

Sorry. I know Ramon has been very rude this year. He never shuts up and always leaves his daily sacrifice under his desk and it stinks up the whole class. The pain you endure each day Ramon is near you is incredible and honorable. My one request is that you keep up the bravery and courage you exhibit each day. If you do this, I will make sure Ramon is taken care of. Good luck and Godspeed.

Sincerely,

Andre P.

Melt my heart to stone

It’s been a long time…and I really can’t even remember that dream I had. But apparently, it affected me deeply enough that I marked it as private – until I logged in tonight, read it, and published it. I haven’t seen or heard from Grams since then…and then I go back and reread that she wants me to be open to love. And tonight, I can honestly say that I am not open to any kind of love in the romantic arena. I thought that I was designed for marriage, I could feel it in my bones – like being deisgned to be a teacher – but after the past few hours that I’ve exeperienced, I have determined that though I may be designed for marriage, I will never be in the position to become married. I am happier single, I am healthier single, I am complete single. My heart cannot take any more – if it does, I fear it will disappear all together. I am too old to be hurting like this. There’s so much going on in my head, but it’s all so jumbled – between Jason’s death, Brandy’s friend Matt, and leaving Mike – I can’t separate out my emotions, my thoughts. Yet, in reference to Mike, I feel the only thing that does help me understand our situation a bit better is the song “Melt My Heart to Stone” by Adele.

Heavy mind

I woke up this morning feeling very melancholy. I thought maybe it was because my break is coming to a close and I have to return to work tomorrow. I skipped church and set out to just relax and enjoy some “me” time. But I don’t think this is entirely the reason for my melancholy.

I had a dream last night. I saw my grandmother. I haven’t seen her since my grandfather passed away. She came in my dream – I remember, because the circumstances of her appearing are very odd. In my dream, my dog was able to go in and out of my parents’ bedroom to their backyard because there was a small opening in the window. I followed her in to see how she was coming and going, and then I had to use the restroom. I had just sat down when I saw someone standing in the door frame. It took time for my eyes to adjust to realize and recognize my grandmother. She looked beautiful, as always. I remember seeing her and saying, “Grams?!” And then popping off the pot, and running into her arms. I remember crying…not hard, but enough that I know I cried in her arms. At some point, we both ended up on the bathroom floor, just talking. I remember playing with a towel I was sitting on – telling her I felt like a failure because the family had fallen apart. I know she sat there, quietly nodding and smiling – how she always responded when people talked and she listened. Somewhere in the midst of our conversation, I vaguely recall her asking me to be open to love and I told her it was one of my “I Will” statements for the year. And I also remember asking her why I can’t ever see Gramps…and she said it was because he hadn’t “reached this level yet.” I don’t know what that means…she said he was well and he was off practicing singing. Hunh? And then she promised me she wouldn’t wait so long between visits next time and then I saw her disappear into the light.

I have no clue what any of this means. I can’t unwrap it and define it because it feels very fuzzy to me. There’s a lot missing, I know there is. I just hope she holds true to her promise and I do see her again, soon, and often.

Don’t let me be lonely

The end of the year is fast approaching – a new one sits perched on the horizon. I’m not big on resolutions, never have been – but this year, I created “I Will” statements. I even framed the little suckers so I can stare at them each and every single day of 2010. I figured if I created “I Will” statements, then I would feel more motivated to stay on track and hold myself accountable. Instead of “I hope” – I am saying “I will” to a variety of things in 2010.

At the bottom of that list is “be open, dive in, be free.” A lovely little mantra circa my SARK-days when I was healing and learning how to re-focus my energy toward more positive things. I find it ironic that my very first entry of 2009 was a reflection on how much I hate the holidays – in particular, New Year’s Eve. I simply hate it. I know I get cranky and selfish as the damn clock winds down to midnight. It’s like that magic time holds a portal for Satan to walk in and stomp all over my aching heart. This year, I pray that I am strong and focus on the current environment – not on the poor me scenario that I fall victim to every year. I am so tired of the want and the desire and the will to do nothing about it, but complain. I want to be open to what God has planned for me. Wide open. I don’t want to be afraid of letting a man in to my life, close to my heart – close enough to actually hold it. I want it more than I want anything else in this world.

Cold Shoulder

Brandy was saying that it’s been awhile since I’ve blogged. Truth be told – yes, it has been…and the list of things to blog about continues to build. I have so much going on inside that I need to purge. This may be a busy next couple of days, what with the bleeding out and all…but it’s necessary so I can keep some sort of semblance of sanity (oh how I love alliteration!). I suppose I’ll back it all the way up to the summer, pick up where I left off where I said I was moving on…

At a time when the world should be giving thanks for what we have – and we do have a lot, in abundance…I’m continuing to feel the effects of a lost friendship. I am not going to go into elaborate detail about the night of July 18, 2009. I am left with life-long scars on various parts of my body. And those scars bring back painful memories – not of the attack – but of the lost friendship. I cannot fathom how someone could allow their actions to rule their entire being – to the point of blaming everyone for the event. Everyone but the person truly responsible for the act – herself. I cannot fathom how someone who considered me part of her extended (almost family is what she called me) family just let me walk out the door without a word, without an outstretched hand, without a heartfelt anything to keep me. I don’t understand how the human in her quelled to the demon in her; rolled over and said “okay, you take control” instead of stepping up and leading. How can you have no care, show no mercy or understanding or sympathy for all that you’ve done? And when she finally did crawl out from under her rock to face the reality of her actions, it was only because her mother yelled at her and played the silent treatment. Guilted into making a move.

They say actions speak louder than words – and her actions (or lack thereof) speaks volumes. I’ve told her family that I’m always here, but she has to come to me when she’s ready. I’ve snuck around, read her blog and her facebook, and there still doesn’t seem to be any kind of public declaration of remorse for her actions. Instead she claims she’s “only 24″ and that she “doesn’t have to be an adult” just yet. I’m sorry?! But when I was 24, I had a degree from ASU, had a 5 year-old I was parenting alone, a career I was beginning to get a handle on…and I owned a home. So yes, when you’re 24 – you should be an adult. Because if you think there’s a perfect age to be grown-up, that age will pass you by in the blink of an eye and you will forever be a child trapped in an aging body.

This says it all…

Instead of re-writing everything that’s going on in my mind…Romi’s latest post sums it up perfectly.

http://todaysmutchup.blogspot.com/2009/07/to-let-go.html