Not Afraid
In keeping with the word of the year, I am approaching life fearlessly. For me, this means being honest and true to myself. Often, I sacrifice my wants and needs for the sake of others. This is typical – it’s a human behavior. But I can’t live life afraid to say what needs to be said, when it needs to be said. The trick is to be diplomatic from the get-go…I’m still struggling with not allowing my initial reaction to be mean in response (defense mechanism) but to be able to be assertive, while tending to the other person’s emotions (as well).
Case in point. Jason.
From the beginning, he has always been different. Always. He felt it. I felt it. It’s scary. It’s new. And instead of trying to push and push and push (which is what I do, poking the bear is my specialty), I should have respected his request to put us on hold back when the shit first started hitting his fan. But I didn’t. Because of the FEAR. I was afraid of losing him. Of losing the possibility of him. Instead of trusting that if I just backed the hell off and allowed him to do what he needs to do, to get himself to where he needs to be, then eventually – when it is our time – we could both dedicate the right amount of time and energy to the “us” relationship.
Over the past few months, I sacrificed my happiness to force something to happen. Instead of allowing things to unfold naturally, I wanted everything to happen “now”. But there are so many things beyond my control that, no matter how much I try to be in control, I – ultimately – cannot be. I can’t control his life. His healing. His path. Hell, I can’t even control mine. What makes me think I can control his?
Regardless, due to my insistence and pushing, I have – in the end – rewarded myself with the result I was avoiding. I have lost him.
Last night, instead of being defensive, I should have just let it go until I could focus my time and energy on appropriate responses. But I didn’t. What I need to tell him is the following:
I have always known you were different. From the moment we started to talking to the second I met you in person, the entire world disappeared and there was just you. Each time we were together, this happened. I have never been so immediately drawn to someone and I have never felt as safe with someone as I did you. When your life started taking turns that you couldn’t control, I should have respected you and trusted that we will pick things up when your life goes back to your version of normal. I allowed my fears to overwhelm me and cloud my true nature. For that, I am deeply sorry and I regret my mistakes. Instead of reverting to my MO of cutting someone out of my life, completely, I cannot do that with you. It doesn’t feel right. I will always care about you and worry (it’s my nature, you can’t change that) when you continue to hit brick walls. I can’t walk away and shut the door on you, for forever. All I can tell you is this: while you devote your time and attention to what requires your energy, I will be in the wings, quiet and steady. If you need anything – to vent, to talk and joke, to just breathe – I will never turn my back on you. You mean so much to me, I can’t put it in words. I meant it when I said it…I look forward to falling in love with you. Though, I think I already have.
And that, my friends, is me…living fearlessly.
